Adult Life = No Time, No Energy

Since I’ve come back from Osnabrück I feel I have not had a moment to breathe until now, sitting outside in the sun. 

I’ve been settling more and more into a daily rhythm of going to work and then doing something or sometimes nothing after work. 

Really, it’s quite exhausting, and at the same time it feels like I’m not really doing much. 

I spend time with Fabi, but not even that much, we see each other twice a week or so, then on the weekends. Which is nice. It’s exciting to see how we are developing as a couple :) 

I finally went back to the improv. dance class. 

I spent some time with my friends form Latin America.

I went to a party and lost a shoe. (It’s a little bit funny but also I’m sad because they were my favorite shoes :( ) 

Lea and Cathi came to visit, we were in Bolivia together and I had spent some time with Lea over the past few years, but had not seen Cathi for about 5 years. We had a beautiful, relaxed time together and I’m amazed at the connections that stay in place even across space and time. I’m grateful for these friendships. 

I babysat for the neighbor’s kids. Really, I don’t have the energy after work to spend more time with kids, but the kids have also grown on me. I had  a serious discussion with the 7 year old - he told me that every human has the right to make own decisions and that I should not be telling him what to do. I was trying to get him to put his PJ’s on and go to bed. :D That I told him that even I, and his brother, and his mom go to bed made no difference. Eventually it became clear that his problem was entirely unrelated - he didn’t have his stuffed animal. 

I had a first “Tandem” meeting with a student from Mexico to interchange language. We’ll practice English and Spanish. I’m very excited to see where this goes. 

…

Work is exhausting. I spent the majority of the past week testing my patience and learning how to not be provoked by things that are very provoking. It’s a work in process. 

We are reading a book called Frederick that Yannik Thiem gave me when I was small. It’s about a mouse that does not collect grains or nuts in preparation for winter. He collects sun rays. And colors. And words. I remember reading this book as a child and loving it. It brings back warm memories. When I was depressed, my mom told me to try collecting colors. and sun rays, like Frederick. I highly recommend looking the book up :) 

I’m reading a very interesting book on Autism that has helped me make some sense of what I am seeing at work. 

I’ve been doing Yoga with the kids and loving it! 

Other than that….I enjoyed some alone time yesterday and today! I really needed to recharge, and what better way to do that than to sit by the lake, enjoy the sun, read, go for a run, sit in the sun a bit more, drink some mate, go to the market to buy fresh fish (I never do that!!!!), buy fresh bread rolls….Weekends spent like that are good weekends. Weekends spent away are also good. But not as relaxing. 

Winter is over and spring is here and I’m so happy!!! 

Sending you lots of sun rays!

Updates on Life :)

Berlin — > Osnabrück

Life moves at the speed of light, far too often. 

IF you don’t have time to read all this, please at least read the bold part! It’s a very important update :) and or look at the check-in all the way at the bottom. 

*HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY!!! Berlin has declared today an official holiday :D I am sitting in a bus (because trains are very expensive! and I am actually glad to have 6 hours just for myself) to Osnabrück - visiting my uncle, aunt, grandma, AND one of my friends from Bolivia who is studying in Osnabrück and celebrating his birthday. Whenever we saw each other in Bolivia we danced, and each time we said that we would see each other again to dance. I hope there will be dancing at this party (more than certainly there will be dancing). I am apprehensive about the visit to my grandma, we usually have some trouble getting along, but I also know that she is happy I am coming. I am very excited to wee my uncles and cousins. I haven’t seen some of them in…years.*

At the same time, I have started to settle in to a daily routine of working close to 40 hours a week, a routine that I have not had to manage to the same extent before, and a routine that is still very exhausting. I know from starting different routines that there is some hope as to the amount of energy that is left at the end of a work-day, that my body and mind will start to get used to this schedule and that I will have some strength to do more than cook dinner and fall into bed at the end of the day. 

In my last post I commented on the first day-care that I worked at. I can now tell even more clearly how problematic the system is that the day-care uses, because of the lack of structure, the noise-level, the age-groups mixed together…

Anyway, I am at a different day-care now, much smaller, with a partially open system, and a bit closer to my home. I was supposed to start there the week that I got sick, luckily it was not an issue for me to start a week later than planned. 

At first I was very skeptical whether I would want to stay at the day-care for longer than a few weeks, but I now love the work so much that I hope that I can stay there much, much longer. 

The reason is that I am assisting a boy with a preliminary diagnosis of autism. This makes the work valuable to me - I am learning so much, and have a way to challenge myself, set goals for my work with this boy, find out how I can best support him in his development. 

On Tuesday we celebrated Carnevale (Fasching), and even though it was so exhausting it was also fun to see how excited all the kids were and to dress up with them, dance, play games, eat SO much food. I dressed up as my very favorite childhood character: Pippi Langstrumpf. If you don’t know the story, Pippi is the daughter of a strong ship-captain who is gone all the time. Pippi lives in a colorful house with her horse and her monkey, she is so strong that she can lift up her horse, and is such an independent bad-ass. Ever since I was little I loved the stories, and aspired to be as free, fun-loving, and wild as Pippi. I think I’m pretty close to living my childhood-dream ;) 

Back to my work with the little boy:

I only have a very basic understanding of autism, and have gathered through conversations and research that really every person with autism is very different in their behavior and abilities. I feel that even the past two weeks have been a journey of starting to understand the very specific communication and social interaction. I am learning to be much more fine-tuned  with what I say, how to break down language into the most basic steps, and talk more in the now - that means that it makes no sense to the boy if I tell him ‘later we will play but before that we have to eat our food’ such time-sequences are very hard for him to understand. 

I feel that facial expressions are also hard for him to read, he himself has a very flat affect, which means that I have to learn to communicate my emotions through ways other than facial expressions (and you all know that I am an open book when it comes to emotions, I always show how I feel). Finding ways to express pain - saying ‘aua’ when something hurts me or giving high 5’s when something is good might be a start. 

Another wish I have for myself is to be more conscious of what I am asking from the kids in general - is what I am asking the result of my adult thinking or am I taking into consideration where the child is at in terms of emotional and cognitive devvelopment? Am I making my logical steps clear to the child so that s*he understands? Is the child showing me that s*he understands what I am asking? And related, when does it make sense to be strict and set boundaries?

I have better understood that all kids test out boundaries, sometimes to the extreme, but that being bored also causes acting out. giving clear options and setting parameters for activities, I think, is worth much. 

Another (semi-related) reflection: 

On Wednesday we moved all the toys to the cellar. The day-care is catholic, and as part of lent we are replacing the toys with materials that can be turned into projects, toys, interesting other activities. The children think about what kind of activities they want to make. Think, for example, a telephone made from two empty yoghurt cups and a string. Or making Memory games and puzzles from self-drawn pictures. It is great to work together with a woman who has been doing this same job since the 80s and has much experience and insight. I think taking a step back from “traditional” methods of playing - and a step back from digital media, too, opens u pa whole new world of creativity and possibilities. 

Another train of thought…It is very strange to work at a catholic day-care. Especially during the prayer before lunch I feel strange, not sure what my role should be. I am, of course, a role-model for the children, and have to recognize that there are certain activities at the day-care that I might not support in my personal life, but that I have to give along to the children because  they go to this day-care. 

***

On to other exciting things that are happening:

I wrote in the last update that being in a relationship is hard. Fabi and I are doing SO much better! We are really trying to be more understanding of each other, trying to see what our needs are and how we can meet those needs in a way that feels fain and good to both of us. We had planned a date night a while back but had to constantly move it due to lack of energy/one of us being sick. Last weekend we finally had the energy and time to do what we had planned, something special to the both of us, something different, not“just” hanging out together. I think we really needed that. 

Things will continue to evolve for us, keep changing, keep growing. We’re still experimenting, evaluating what works and what doesn’t. 

My life is full of beautiful visitors! My cousin Jonathan came to visit me over the weekend. We hadn’t seen each other for quite some time, but it was such a pleasure with him. I think I inspired him to live in Berlin in the future (he’s 15), we had some honest-open conversations, went climbing, met up with Fabi and a few friends, had a game-night, ate cake with my uncle…all in all an amazing time! 

I also had a beer with Pia this week, babysat quite a bit, enjoyed the amazing weather, watched Gone Girl with Fabi (so, so, so disturbing!), found a guitar!!!! and maybe can purchase a charango (Andean ukulele, I had one in Bolivia but left it there). 

Now for the very important update:

After accepting the internship position in the fall, I also had a conversation with my advisor for classes. She informed me that the program does not officially start until the fall, but that I could apply for permission to start in the summer. I took some time to think through what that means for me. I have decided that it is best for me to stay in Berlin until the middle of August and start the Master in Social Work in the Fall with all other 5-year students. I have changed my flight and will return to Chicago on the 14th of August, for a year, after that who knows where life will take me.

I feel so full of joy knowing that I can stay here longer, actually settle in more, not leave again in 2.5 months, not spend the summer with little to do and too much time to think about wanting to be back in Berlin. All of you who have lived in different places…we all know that this isn’t a straight emotional line. I know that I will feel frustrated, ask myself why I am here, will wonder why I still feel so lost, yet feel heartbroken when it is time to leave. The think is…that I can only assess what I really feel at this moment, and at this moment I am so glad to be here. With all the ups and downs. With you all being far away. But the truth is that that will always be the case. Someone I deeply cherish and love will always be far away, no matter where I am. That is the harsh reality of growing and growing up in different places. I leave pieces of my heart everywhere I go. 

I now am on the way back to Berlin. Time in Osnabrück was an adventure but I am happy to return home…to Berlin.

Home is such a difficult concept. I still have not been able to grasp what it means to be at home, yet I long to find a home, knowing deep down that I will never only be at home in one place. 

Throughout the conversations of the past days and especially nights I realized something crucial about my relationship to the US, to Chicago, something that I could not name as clearly before. I better understand now that I felt out of place in Chicago because so many times I had to explain myself, justify my actions, and lay out why I do things differently. Even if I did this consciously, sometimes, by saying out-loud that I am German, and I did this partially to create a separation. Even when having to explain myself was not an ill-meant act, when others were curious about where I come from and what I have done, I only now understand that this prevented me from really settling in to the country. It is exhausting to constantly feel I had to explain who I am. And this starts with as simple of things as people not pronouncing my name right. This train of thought partially started because I realized that I would never walk around Chicago with pink hair. Because I would stick out even more, and potentially would have to explain myself again. I would feel that I don’t fit in more so than I already don’t. 

What do you all think about that? Am I overthinking this?

Seeing my aunt and uncles was great. As always we stayed up into the late hours of the night talking, drank lots of beer, and had some differences in opinions. I’m grateful to have such a kind, loving, caring family, I know that I am part of a tight network and I know that we will watch out for each other. I have missed that feeling of familial belonging beyond my amazing nuclear family of mom, dad, Jakob. I miss you three and Binti too, though. A lot. 

Reuniting with Freddy was much more emotional than I would have thought. Really, he is the first person from Bolivia that I have seen in the 4+ years since I have left (not counting the other volunteers). WE talked a lot, but very little about Bolivia, and mostly spent time decorating for his birthday party and enjoying each other’s presence. I think it meant much to him that I came. And it was good for me, too, to remember that not all Bolivian men are cruel. In fact, Freddy spent some time during his birthday party giving a sort-of speech, about how important it is that we let go of stereotypes, that we understand that there are no good/bad groups, but rather people that are good and have their heart in the right place, and people who don’t, who have forgotten how to love. But that these people exist in all countries, all cultures, all over the world. I think he is right with that, and we build separations thinking that we can protect ourselves against the other, when in fact we are the ones who create categorizations that produce the other. 

I also realized throughout the evening that house parties are exhausting. Creating conversations when you know no one is exhausting and finding new things to talk about is exhausting, and even though I had some intellectually challenging discussions that elevated my weekly quality of day-care-centered-talk I would have much rather spent the night dancing. Of course Freddy and I got to dance at the end of the night, one song, and promised that we would see each other again to dance some more :) 

***

Parts of a check-in with myself: 

What is good right now?

I love my work
Fabi and I are doing well and are content
my living situation is ‘genial’ - amazing 
I have had so many visitors!
I’m healthy
The weather is great (ok, now it’s snowing again. The weather was great)
I’m starting to get a sense of the Berlin geography
I am recognized for the things I do
I challenge my fear of heights every time I go climbing
I’m getting to know new people
I’m improving myself
I’m open for new things
I didn’t fall into my depression hole
I’m so incredibly supported by my family
I’m pushing my boundaries 
I’m staying in Berlin!!!

I’m doing such a great job at meeting the  challenges that come my way

What do I want to add?
Be more empathetic towards Fabi’s needs
Set goals at work
Work for Crisis Text Line again
Improve and expand my social circle
Be aware of how I’m feeling

Be kind to myself. 

What am I grateful for?

My family and the incredible time that I can spend with them at the moment, my uncles aunts, cousins, Oma…
This time in Berlin. So, so grateful for this time
My inner strength
Fabi
Life

Sending love to you all.

Working-life and other (mis)adventures

As always, so much happened! Here is a summary, and *read on if you want to know the juicy details:

1.I received my SI number 

2.I signed my first, full-time job contract*
3.Pia and Harun came to visit (Hab euch beide so verdammt lieb)
4.Mom came to visit (so so so so so good to see you, you’re too far away!)
5.I survived my first week at work and*
6.Immediately caught the flu
7.I had an interview for a field placement (Praktikum/internship) and

8.was accepted to the position*
9.I fought and made up with Fabi*
10.Had a first therapy session 
11.watched If Beal Street Could Talk*
12.started listening to The Casual Vacancy by J. K. Rowlings, as suggested by Pia (and which is surprisingly good! 
13.Am now just lying in bed waiting to get better but feel that I have the energy at least to write a little

So….

2. Signing my first contract was so exciting! I felt the professionalism that I thought I would find during my internship in Mexico. It felt very honoring to know that someone respects my abilities and qualities enough to pay me a monthly salary. The job that I accepted and signed was, in fact, with the temp-agency that I have told many of you about. Concretely, this means that I will be jumping around from one agency to the next, sometimes on a weekly basis, sometimes on a bi-weekly basis. The agencies will vary from child-care centers to other social institutions (I don’t have details yet because I haven’t seen them yet). I did not expect to be employed so quickly after receiving my SI-number. It was a turn around of 3 days….

5. That being said, I started working at a day-care center! The days were exhausting. I had to leave the house at 6:50, commute for an hour, work from 8:00-4:30, then commute another hour, and felt like going to bed straight when I got home. 

The work itself was both challenging and rewarding. It was a so-called “open work” system where the kids were not separated into groups but rather had rooms that they could freely choose to go to. Some examples of rooms: the building room (where I was the entire time), the puppet room, the nature room, the movement room, the eating room for lunch and snacks etc. 

This system is very widely debated. It gives the children much freedom, but also removes structure that some children need to grow. There is no longer one or two workers to turn to, but ten. the daily time-table varies. While this can work, it can also be very stressful. I found it intense that there were one-and-a-half year-old toddlers in the same room as six year olds, especially since there was Lego and other toys all over the room. The noise, too was hard to control, and there was no structured way to lead a clean-up except once before relaxation. This meant I spent my days cleaning up after the kids that “forgot” their toys and Lego pieces.

But I also got to tell stories, play magician, serve as a hair model, be a tickle-monster, soothe crying toddlers, mediate fights, and watch the dynamics of friendships change at a minute-pace. Even though the week was exhausting and I am now at home for a week with the flu, I have already learned so much and gained new perspectives and more security in my skills. 

8. Starting in the fall, I will be doing both individual and group therapy sessions with youth at the Albany Park Community Center. I am so excited for this opportunity to grow and challenge myself, to see if this is what I want to continue to do in my career, what aspects I like and don’t like, and where I still need to improve. I will also be conducting the therapy in Spanish, which is even more exciting. I’m so proud!!! (And I don’t say that often [enough]).

9. Figuring out the deep-dark-gutty-sometimes-ugly-parts of a relationship is hard. [I just talked to Judy - love you endlessly- and we concurred that it is so scary, terrifying, to be vulnerable with another person, lay your feelings out in front of them, give them the opportunity to break what you hide otherwise. It is also beautiful. But sometimes it is more risk than comfort, and those moments - sometimes long moments - hurt so much.] It is hard to communicate in a way that your partner understands what you want to get across, and hard to listen to what your partner is saying so that you in turn understand. I think we will never understand completely, because after all we have different maps of life, interpret words and feelings based on these maps, but it is so important to try to understand. Try to figure out all the pieces.  Be gentle with the vulnerable bits. 

I have understood something on a much deeper level now that I am lying in bed sick. It is so much “easier” to care for someone with a broken leg or the flu because the symptoms are easily identifiable, and the remedies are just as clear, they will help, even if it takes a bit of time. If you have never been stuck in an emotional dark hole it is much harder to identify the symptoms, and harder to find a remedy, not as clear if the remedy that you might have cooked up will actually help. But what I have understood for quite a while now is that emotional pain is just as real as physical pain, needs just as much care, just as much time to get better. There is a word in Spanish - apapachar. It means to gently caress and hug with soul. Sometimes it helps to ask just a simple how are you really feeling right now? and then gently caress and hug with soul. 

10. Svenja came to visit me! It is such a joy to keep in touch with friends that I have known for so, so long. Even though there were a few ups and downs throughout the weekend (mostly that I got so sick Saturday night, I’m so, so sorry), we had a great time, the weather was perfect we walked 17 km, we went to the Berlin Dungeons and almost lost our heads, we sat in the sun, almost did not get lost…. I can’t wait to visit Jena! 

11. Oh, the movies… I watched If Beal Street Could Talk directed by Barry Jenkins with a few (German) friends. I wanted to include a few words about this movie because discussing it afterwards was one of the few times that I have felt foreign, different here in Germany. Not in a bad way, but different for sure. 

The movie portrays the relationship between Tish and Fonsi, two Africa American lovers. They face various challenges, specifically the systemic injustice against Blacks in 1970’s New York City. I don’t want to give too much away, so I’ll leave it at that - go watch it if you have not :) 

I want to talk about this because the people I was with strongly disliked the movie. I believe they took it as just another stupid romance with lots of stereotypes and little character depth. I believe they were unable to place the movie into an American context, unable to see what it means to tell an African American love story that includes mundane scenes along-side the trauma and injustice. I would like to know what you in the US think of the movie. 

It is this double perspective that I have gained, that makes me different, but that ultimately enriches me. 

I really want to get well again soon, but in the mean time write me!!! 

Bits and Pieces

Two weeks later… 

It has been hard the past two weeks. I’m always unsure of how much I should or feel comfortable publishing online, but since many of you know me anyway, this is a way of processing. Nevertheless, I’ll be scarce with the details and reach out in person when I can. 

I think if I look at this time as part of the greater time line, it is the point where I stop being just a visitor here, where the new, exciting things become less exciting because they are not new anymore, and the daily life sets in - even though the daily life at the moment is such a lie because I am still waiting for my SS-Number to come through to start working! *This is certainly a part of the frustration*

A much bigger part of this, too, is that I want to feel at home here. I want to take in the streets and people and experiences and plant a part of myself in this city. Before I left Chicago I had so many doubts. What if I won’t feel at home? What if I will feel just as uprooted and, really, rootless in Berlin as I do here? And it’s true. I do. The gentle side of me says: Yes, of course. You have been here a month, Lena, less than a month. Give yourself time to adjust and settle in. It takes time to build a home. 

The other, not as gentle and more direct part of me agrees but rebells because I am here for such a long time, how am I supposed to make a place my home when I know that I will be leaving again in now just four months, how does that work? How did I manage to take it all in before, on all my other trips *after Bolivia*? (I know the answer too well: I was a visitor there, even when I stayed for a bit longer. The places became a part of me because of the experience I gathered, not because they were meant to become a home for me. I had expectations, maybe too high, that coming back to Germany would automatically feel like home, after all I did grow up here and after all this is where I come from. And part of it is true, I love hearing German in the streets, I love thinking in German and not having to switch back to English, I love that I don’t feel foreign here. There haven’t been many moments where I have wondered why people are doing X. I don’t get stuck culturally, not as much. Sometimes there are songs I don’t know, or movies I have not watched, but that will be the case for the rest of my life. 

I’m really not sure how to navigate this in-between-space that I am in. Being in Berlin feels so right, and at the same time I already have to apply to the internship I need to do for the masters in Social Work *which I have been accepted to!* in the fall…How am I supposed to do that? Start a process that I really don’t even want to think about yet? I don’t want to think about leaving when I feel that I haven’t even arrived, settled in, really. Yet if I miss the deadlines I will miss out on the internship that I might very much want…And please don’t just say: well just do it and then it’ll be over with!!! If you know me even a little bit you also know I do what I do with all of my heart, and doing something that I know will be important to me in the future but that I can’t give my whole heart to at the moment is incredibly challenging to me. 

Mostly I miss you all. It’s homesickness but not for a place, but for people. for that network of people, knowing that I could call you all at 3 in the morning and you would pick up. Not having you around is so, so hard. And yes, I know eventually I would form these connections here, too, but at the moment I am really struggling knowing that I will always be torn. There is no correct solution here. Someone will always be missing and something will always feel wrong. Is that what growing up is like? Having to negotiate the priorities that you set for yourself, knowing that there will always be a negative side of whatever you put first? 

On top of all this emotional turmoil, the past week was also filled with trauma-related things…adding triggers and panic attacks to my already emotional week. 

Some moments I want to remember: 

That this week Fabi and I have seen each other Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Today, Wednesday. I am so lucky and happy to not be in a long distance relationship anymore. 

Yes there are ups and downs and yes there are things we still have to work at, but I am so grateful to be here with Fabi and to be able to just say I am coming over and sleep in the same bed (sorry that I am such a cuddly sleeper ^^). Or cook dinner or explore the city or watch a show or do something with friends.

Martin was here!!! I’m so happy we got to spend some time in “our” city, after all he lived here for 12 years! We also drank coffee with Markus, my uncle. This was a first, they had never drunk coffee together. It was nice to chat, and also hear a bit more about his life, and reconnect. The day after Martin and I walked through the city a bit and then ate Döner for lunch with Fabi. It was sad to say good bye. I know four months isn’t that long, but it feels long to me at the moment. 

I invited a friend and a friend of hers over for a game afternoon. We played banana grams and had such a good time, had coffee and cake, and I’m excited to see when we can meet up again. It feels good to make some genuine connections here and they are such nice people! 

If you saw the pictures you know I was in Potsdam. It felt refreshing to get out of the city and see that there are smaller cities in the outskirts that feel more home-y and have a city center AND Potsdam is also surrounded by lakes and little creeks. I really like the city as such, and loved being guided by my friend, chatting all the way as we walked for two and a half hours. Sometimes it’s good not to have a day-pass for public transit ;) Thanks for walking with me :) 

As I mentioned earlier, I also met a volunteer who was at my organization in Bolivia two years after I was there. It was funny to talk to her, she said she had already heard so much about me and of course we knew all the same people….how small the world can be, and how beautiful that such connections then exist. 

I was going to go climbing with Fabi and a few friends after I came back from Potsdam but was not feeling it ( they wanted to go top rope) so I went bouldering by my self and finished some new routes! I’m happy my muscles are building up again slowly. 

My Uncle Heini and aunt Claudia came to visit, we had dinner and Fabi got to meet them, we drank lots of Schnaps as usual, and had a beautiful time. I hadn’t seen them either, for several years, and yet it felt like it hadn’t been that long. 

I met a few Latina girls for coffee, we’re having dinner again this week, and I’m excited to build up some connections here, too. And it was beautiful to speak Spanish. I didn’t think I would miss it this much. 

I had dinner with Fabi’s roommates without Fabi, which seems a bit odd but was actually very nice. We watched Roma, and I had such high expectations that I was a bit disappointed. It’s not a bad film and the acting is great, I think I was just expecting something else from a movie with so many awards. 

I visited a day care center that focuses on German - English learning. It was refreshing to be around kids and have something to do. I wish I could work there, but there are again so many formal hoops that have to be jumped through first…It was a reinforcement thought to see that I am very capable of being and working in a day care setting. I had forgotten a bit that I have all these skills and passions…

Yesterday I went to a dance class again with one of Fabi's roommates, and there were so many more people there than before, it was quire amazing to feel the energy! We did an exercise where we had to redirect a partner and it was so much fun to see how the movement changed and the energy transferred from the pressure of a hand to a spinning body... I love improv dancing. It is so freeing and creates such a tension between the group and the individual, you take and you give, and you are still in your own little bubble, and you are free......

Today I walked from Fabi’s home to my home in the sunshine. Later we met up to go iceskating but (because I’m really very bad at reading things carefully) the ice rink was already closed. We walked by the river instead and it was beautiful. A truly magical corner of Berlin. I do love this city. When it’s not gray and raining for days without end. 

We heard Thom & the Wolves (https://open.spotify.com/artist/2dJNsVLw9JtA571l9TB1Fv?si=GHJRztj1SFGbPyfZMCW7Rw) play on a bridge. So enchanting.

I appreciate you all. Sending love. 

Even the smallest steps are progress

It seems to me like time is flying. Since the last time that I sat down to collect my thoughts, I have received a job-offer and am going through the motions of accepting this job (taking care for individuals with disability at a temp-agency. I am finding out that, while order and bureaucracy can be very helpful, it can also be a time-trap. It will take another few days until I can start working due to paperwork that I still have to fill out (health insurance, social security etc.). 

But that is OK. I am keeping myself busy, meeting new people and old friends, getting lost in the city, and taking a break from my normally so busy life. 

Here are some of the highlights of the last few days:

I went climbing with Fabi and a friend for the first time in many, many weeks if not months. I missed my climbing partner Alex so much, but it was also incredible to watch Fabi and his friend climb routes I could not even dream of climbing. It will take me a while to get back into the rhythm of holding my own weight, of not fearing to fall, of building up my muscles again. I was so sore for several days (sending Alex, Clara, and Meghan lots of muscle-healing-energy <3).

I went to grab a beer with an old friend who I had seen last about 8 years ago. We met up at a café/bar near my house and spent a few hours talking. It’s nice to know that some connections don’t really change, even through the years. 

Some time last week I made plans to go to a dance lesson with a friend in the evening. I had no idea where this dance lesson was (ok, I had the address, but had never really been in that area). I started biking, got terribly lost and of course missed my friend who was going to meet up with me. I was able to send her a message, but still couldn’t find her.  I was angry at myself, and adding to the trouble my phone shut off because of the cold. With some trouble I found my way back home without the help of Google Maps. I realized how dependent I am on navigation, and even with navigation have a terrifically hard time finding my way around. Maybe I’m not made for the big city after all? Everything is so far apart and so hard to find…

A few days after my getting-lost-in-Berlin-by-accident-adventure I did go to the dance class with my friend,  this time not at night but at 8 in the morning. Since I wanted to make extra sure that I would be on time and not get lost I got up at 6:30 and met up with her at 7. Biking out in the cold woke me up a bit and helped me fight my not-morning-person self. The class started with a bit of a warm-up and an explanation. The movement improvisation dance meant that there would be some guiding instructions, but no explicit movements to follow. One should try to keep the eyes open to send the energy back into the room, and not look at mirrors (there weren’t any). The six of us stood in a circle and started moving one body part after another, changing the rhythm after a while, following the music, finding what movement feels right, freeing both the body and the mind, sometimes incorporating the catch and release technique that I had learned a few years ago in my modern dance class,  sometimes just being as big in the room as possible, or as small. 

Feeling my body and activating all the muscles felt so good! Something that I had been missing without realizing it. It brought me back to the days that I was taking modern dance at Loyola, remembering how I first started the class - with much trouble to connect to my body and to the movement, incapable to fully open up - and how much progress I made, to walk through a room with confidence taking up my space, yet looking out for those around me connecting the movement with my mind and (sometimes) my breath. I’m excited to go back to the class and reconnect to that part of myself. I felt calm and at peace after. 

I made empanadas with Fabi and thought of my family in Bolivia. I miss them. It had been quite a while since I had last made empanadas, probably with Spanish Club? Drinking some wine, listening to Spanish music, eating the food that makes my heart warm, sitting across from Fabi… 

Eva, who I am living with, very much wants me to make empanadas more often. They turned out well. 

Friday I went to a “Schnibbel-Disko” to prepare for a protest against food-waste on Saturday. The premise of the event was that too much vegetables are thrown away because they do not fit the norm of what the supermarkets want to sell. We peeled and cut 2 Tons of veggies that were then cooked into a soup that was given away to the people at the protest. That way, we saved food that would otherwise have been thrown away, and made a statement. I mean, really. Who cares if the carrot you put into a sauce or soup or cut up for a salad is a bit crooked, as a bit of a different shape? Once you cut it it looks the same. If you can, invest in ways to buy produce that is different from the “pretty, straight, normed products” and buy locally!!

I found this resource, maybe you’re interested. I will be trying out a service where I save food that will otherwise go to waste. 

I visited Pia over the weekend. Even though it was a short visit it was so nice to see her. To be honest I miss having in-depth conversations with my friends, and it was good to just sit in the kitchen, talk, reflect, eat…

we spent some time with her niece, nephew, and sister. I was surprised at how quickly her almost 3 year-old nephew warmed up to me. After all we hadn’t seen each other for quite a while. I read some books to them, played some guitar, cleaned the dishes…it was a relaxing, calm afternoon. 

Pia and I went to a play (Grete Minde after Theodore Fontane) with a friend. The play was very strange, I thought. I had a hard time taking it serious during the performance. Reading a bit more about the historical background, though, I can see that it was more serious than I had thought. 

Today I spend quite some time biking through a park, taking pictures, enjoying that it was finally sunny after so many gray days and went climbing with Fabi again. I made some new friends, and by complete coincidence met the brother of a girl who had spent a year at my project in Bolivia about 2 years after I'd left. The world is so small sometimes.

Stay warm and keep me updated about your life, too!

Berlin, January 10, subway back home // January 11, café in Mitte

The last days in Frankfurt were calm, lots of time spent sleeping, cuddling, and seeing some friends, getting to know Fabi’s old friends, chatting with his family, eating pizza with my mom and Fabi‘s parents, taking more walks in the woods...

Now, back in Berlin, the past few days were filled with productivity and progress:
• I decorated my room so that I already feel at home there
• I bought the few things that were still missing
• I had dinner with my uncle and my cousin
• I wrote another job application
• I called the federal agency for approving foreign degrees
• I now have a German phone number
• I am registered in Berlin and soon will have a new ID (the old one expired years ago)
• I reached out to friends living in the area
• I went to two job interviews
• I biked home from Fabi‘s apartment and loved every second of it, despite the rain
• I wrote my personal statement for scholarships
• Fabi and I cooked dinner

Life is good! Despite the ugly, gray, rainy weather here, I‘m enjoying being back home and (even though I miss all of you SO much) I can‘t say that I‘m missing Chicago at all (ok, maybe the lake. There‘s no lake here, nor an even slightly comparable route for my runs and bike rides).

I know so well that this is part of the non-linear process of defining and redefining home. I remember well how everything was new and shiny in Bolivia before it became mundane daily-life. I know that will be the case here, too. I know that I will begin to hate the rainy mornings, the gray walls of the buildings, I will miss the color and warmth of elsewhere. But that‘s later, for now I‘m enjoying the curious, tingling, exciting feeling of new beginnings and can‘t wait to see where this journey takes me.

Please, please, please reach out if you are reading this!!!! Through comments or messages, it‘s always nice to know that you think of me, too :) sending hugs and lots of love ❤

The Time Between the Years

In German there is a phrase for the few days between Christmas and New Years Eve. It is the time between the years.

This year's time between the years has been quite turbulent: I spent time seeing the friends I hadn't seen back in Chicago, packed and unpacked my things, unpacked and packed the things I would take to Germany, spent lots of time with my family, and then left Chicago unable to sit still even a second because I felt so excited about this next stage of life. 

I arrived safely in Berlin, grinning the whole way there. 

Days before, I had arranged with my landlady (my lovely uncle and aunt's next door neighbor) that I would drop my luggage off at the apartment before I would take a train down to Frankfurt to stay with Fabi and his family. 

It was lovely to see the place where I will be spending the next few months, to start putting my things into place, to chat with my landlady Eva and get to know her a little, start exploring the neighborhood, take a nap. 

Still, I was so excited and happy that finding a calm headspace was hard. Mostly I was also so eager to see Fabi. And Pia!!! Almost 5 months of not seeing each other is almost 5 months too long. 

In the afternoon I made dinner for my uncle, aunt, and cousin. I was happy to see them, too, to catch up about the past half year, to see familiar faces.

Finally on my way to the train station, I made a new friend and out of coincidence met an old friend. How small the world is, after all...

The train ride was terrible. I really just wanted to get to Frankfurt, see Fabi, lie down...

I made it, finally, and seeing Fabi was everything that I had wished for and expected. 

The first day back in Friedrichsdorf, the little town where I had spent my childhood and early adolescence was magical. I was up early and had breakfast with Fabi’s family, chatting and talking about many different things at once. Later in the morning my favorite person came to visit - Pia, my closest, favorite, best friend, even if she hates these bloomy words. It was as if we had never left, and at the same time recognized the immense change that had taken place in the 9 years that had passed since I moved away, for both of us. She came with her partner, a good friend of Fabi’s, which created a closeness that I had not expected. It was as if we all had been together for much more than just a few minutes, there were no awkward pauses, no suspiciousness, no need for exploration or protection that might have been the case had we not all known each other for years. To me it felt like a small family. Much more so than I could have imagined. Pia suggested toward the late afternoon that we have cake and coffee with some old friends that I had not seen in many years, and that she also only sees a few times a year. I was totally for it. Not only did I get t see some people who I had not seen in a while, we also went on a walk through the woods - something that I had missed so very much. Fabi joined us later, and when we went back to his house we went to the sauna to relax a bit before going to bed.

I wasn’t too fit the next day, but i went for a walk with Pia. we had breakfast together at one of the small bakeries and walked through the woods. there is nothing nicer than to have fields and woods in front of your doorstep. I missed it so much. And having your favorite person just a few steps away… we haven’t lived this close for 9 years. 

Later in the evening Pia and Harun joined us for a night of board games, which is another thing that I have missed so much. 

the 31st was a bit of a chaotic day, still not feeling well I wondered how the evening would go. I worked out for a little while and starte watching Sense 8 again. if you have not seen it, this is a shameless plug. It is so worth your time. 

Before heading out to meet Fabi’s friends, we made dinner with Pia and Harun. It was such a mess, but that was a bit to be expected   since it involved Pia and me in the kitchen. We made Piña Colada and it was a disaster while the boys made pasta and sauce. 

It was fun to almost all of the same people that I had met just a year ago and catch up a bit. Mostly though I spent time with Pia, which made the party so much more fun. Since we only arrived a bit before midnight, the time flew by between playing drinking games and dancing and chatting. Seeing all the fireworks was a delight, kissing Fabi happy New Year was amazing, and firing off a firework was exhilarating. Not sure I would do that one again. The night continued, I had too much to drink, and things go as they go. Pia, Haurun, Fabi and I left around 4:30 and made our way home. 

The first of January was quite a lazy day, I was even more sick than before and generally didn’t feel too good, even though I was hardly hung over. I ate breakfast again with Fabi’s relatives, they are visiting form Uruguay, and it was comforting to talk in Spanish for a bit before dozing and watching some TV.

Now I just got back from a walk through the sunny fields with Pia and am sitting on the porch wrapped in my jacket enjoying the warm sun rays. 

I wish you all joy and love and peace in this new year. May you all find the strength that you carry within you. 

Lots of love.