It has been hard the past two weeks. I’m always unsure of how much I should or feel comfortable publishing online, but since many of you know me anyway, this is a way of processing. Nevertheless, I’ll be scarce with the details and reach out in person when I can.
I think if I look at this time as part of the greater time line, it is the point where I stop being just a visitor here, where the new, exciting things become less exciting because they are not new anymore, and the daily life sets in - even though the daily life at the moment is such a lie because I am still waiting for my SS-Number to come through to start working! *This is certainly a part of the frustration*
A much bigger part of this, too, is that I want to feel at home here. I want to take in the streets and people and experiences and plant a part of myself in this city. Before I left Chicago I had so many doubts. What if I won’t feel at home? What if I will feel just as uprooted and, really, rootless in Berlin as I do here? And it’s true. I do. The gentle side of me says: Yes, of course. You have been here a month, Lena, less than a month. Give yourself time to adjust and settle in. It takes time to build a home.
The other, not as gentle and more direct part of me agrees but rebells because I am here for such a long time, how am I supposed to make a place my home when I know that I will be leaving again in now just four months, how does that work? How did I manage to take it all in before, on all my other trips *after Bolivia*? (I know the answer too well: I was a visitor there, even when I stayed for a bit longer. The places became a part of me because of the experience I gathered, not because they were meant to become a home for me. I had expectations, maybe too high, that coming back to Germany would automatically feel like home, after all I did grow up here and after all this is where I come from. And part of it is true, I love hearing German in the streets, I love thinking in German and not having to switch back to English, I love that I don’t feel foreign here. There haven’t been many moments where I have wondered why people are doing X. I don’t get stuck culturally, not as much. Sometimes there are songs I don’t know, or movies I have not watched, but that will be the case for the rest of my life.
I’m really not sure how to navigate this in-between-space that I am in. Being in Berlin feels so right, and at the same time I already have to apply to the internship I need to do for the masters in Social Work *which I have been accepted to!* in the fall…How am I supposed to do that? Start a process that I really don’t even want to think about yet? I don’t want to think about leaving when I feel that I haven’t even arrived, settled in, really. Yet if I miss the deadlines I will miss out on the internship that I might very much want…And please don’t just say: well just do it and then it’ll be over with!!! If you know me even a little bit you also know I do what I do with all of my heart, and doing something that I know will be important to me in the future but that I can’t give my whole heart to at the moment is incredibly challenging to me.
Mostly I miss you all. It’s homesickness but not for a place, but for people. for that network of people, knowing that I could call you all at 3 in the morning and you would pick up. Not having you around is so, so hard. And yes, I know eventually I would form these connections here, too, but at the moment I am really struggling knowing that I will always be torn. There is no correct solution here. Someone will always be missing and something will always feel wrong. Is that what growing up is like? Having to negotiate the priorities that you set for yourself, knowing that there will always be a negative side of whatever you put first?
On top of all this emotional turmoil, the past week was also filled with trauma-related things…adding triggers and panic attacks to my already emotional week.
Some moments I want to remember:
That this week Fabi and I have seen each other Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Today, Wednesday. I am so lucky and happy to not be in a long distance relationship anymore.
Yes there are ups and downs and yes there are things we still have to work at, but I am so grateful to be here with Fabi and to be able to just say I am coming over and sleep in the same bed (sorry that I am such a cuddly sleeper ^^). Or cook dinner or explore the city or watch a show or do something with friends.
Martin was here!!! I’m so happy we got to spend some time in “our” city, after all he lived here for 12 years! We also drank coffee with Markus, my uncle. This was a first, they had never drunk coffee together. It was nice to chat, and also hear a bit more about his life, and reconnect. The day after Martin and I walked through the city a bit and then ate Döner for lunch with Fabi. It was sad to say good bye. I know four months isn’t that long, but it feels long to me at the moment.
I invited a friend and a friend of hers over for a game afternoon. We played banana grams and had such a good time, had coffee and cake, and I’m excited to see when we can meet up again. It feels good to make some genuine connections here and they are such nice people!
If you saw the pictures you know I was in Potsdam. It felt refreshing to get out of the city and see that there are smaller cities in the outskirts that feel more home-y and have a city center AND Potsdam is also surrounded by lakes and little creeks. I really like the city as such, and loved being guided by my friend, chatting all the way as we walked for two and a half hours. Sometimes it’s good not to have a day-pass for public transit ;) Thanks for walking with me :)
As I mentioned earlier, I also met a volunteer who was at my organization in Bolivia two years after I was there. It was funny to talk to her, she said she had already heard so much about me and of course we knew all the same people….how small the world can be, and how beautiful that such connections then exist.
I was going to go climbing with Fabi and a few friends after I came back from Potsdam but was not feeling it ( they wanted to go top rope) so I went bouldering by my self and finished some new routes! I’m happy my muscles are building up again slowly.
My Uncle Heini and aunt Claudia came to visit, we had dinner and Fabi got to meet them, we drank lots of Schnaps as usual, and had a beautiful time. I hadn’t seen them either, for several years, and yet it felt like it hadn’t been that long.
I met a few Latina girls for coffee, we’re having dinner again this week, and I’m excited to build up some connections here, too. And it was beautiful to speak Spanish. I didn’t think I would miss it this much.
I had dinner with Fabi’s roommates without Fabi, which seems a bit odd but was actually very nice. We watched Roma, and I had such high expectations that I was a bit disappointed. It’s not a bad film and the acting is great, I think I was just expecting something else from a movie with so many awards.
I visited a day care center that focuses on German - English learning. It was refreshing to be around kids and have something to do. I wish I could work there, but there are again so many formal hoops that have to be jumped through first…It was a reinforcement thought to see that I am very capable of being and working in a day care setting. I had forgotten a bit that I have all these skills and passions…
Yesterday I went to a dance class again with one of Fabi's roommates, and there were so many more people there than before, it was quire amazing to feel the energy! We did an exercise where we had to redirect a partner and it was so much fun to see how the movement changed and the energy transferred from the pressure of a hand to a spinning body... I love improv dancing. It is so freeing and creates such a tension between the group and the individual, you take and you give, and you are still in your own little bubble, and you are free......
Today I walked from Fabi’s home to my home in the sunshine. Later we met up to go iceskating but (because I’m really very bad at reading things carefully) the ice rink was already closed. We walked by the river instead and it was beautiful. A truly magical corner of Berlin. I do love this city. When it’s not gray and raining for days without end.
We heard Thom & the Wolves (https://open.spotify.com/artist/2dJNsVLw9JtA571l9TB1Fv?si=GHJRztj1SFGbPyfZMCW7Rw) play on a bridge. So enchanting.
I appreciate you all. Sending love.
