Updates on Life :)

Berlin — > Osnabrück

Life moves at the speed of light, far too often. 

IF you don’t have time to read all this, please at least read the bold part! It’s a very important update :) and or look at the check-in all the way at the bottom. 

*HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY!!! Berlin has declared today an official holiday :D I am sitting in a bus (because trains are very expensive! and I am actually glad to have 6 hours just for myself) to Osnabrück - visiting my uncle, aunt, grandma, AND one of my friends from Bolivia who is studying in Osnabrück and celebrating his birthday. Whenever we saw each other in Bolivia we danced, and each time we said that we would see each other again to dance. I hope there will be dancing at this party (more than certainly there will be dancing). I am apprehensive about the visit to my grandma, we usually have some trouble getting along, but I also know that she is happy I am coming. I am very excited to wee my uncles and cousins. I haven’t seen some of them in…years.*

At the same time, I have started to settle in to a daily routine of working close to 40 hours a week, a routine that I have not had to manage to the same extent before, and a routine that is still very exhausting. I know from starting different routines that there is some hope as to the amount of energy that is left at the end of a work-day, that my body and mind will start to get used to this schedule and that I will have some strength to do more than cook dinner and fall into bed at the end of the day. 

In my last post I commented on the first day-care that I worked at. I can now tell even more clearly how problematic the system is that the day-care uses, because of the lack of structure, the noise-level, the age-groups mixed together…

Anyway, I am at a different day-care now, much smaller, with a partially open system, and a bit closer to my home. I was supposed to start there the week that I got sick, luckily it was not an issue for me to start a week later than planned. 

At first I was very skeptical whether I would want to stay at the day-care for longer than a few weeks, but I now love the work so much that I hope that I can stay there much, much longer. 

The reason is that I am assisting a boy with a preliminary diagnosis of autism. This makes the work valuable to me - I am learning so much, and have a way to challenge myself, set goals for my work with this boy, find out how I can best support him in his development. 

On Tuesday we celebrated Carnevale (Fasching), and even though it was so exhausting it was also fun to see how excited all the kids were and to dress up with them, dance, play games, eat SO much food. I dressed up as my very favorite childhood character: Pippi Langstrumpf. If you don’t know the story, Pippi is the daughter of a strong ship-captain who is gone all the time. Pippi lives in a colorful house with her horse and her monkey, she is so strong that she can lift up her horse, and is such an independent bad-ass. Ever since I was little I loved the stories, and aspired to be as free, fun-loving, and wild as Pippi. I think I’m pretty close to living my childhood-dream ;) 

Back to my work with the little boy:

I only have a very basic understanding of autism, and have gathered through conversations and research that really every person with autism is very different in their behavior and abilities. I feel that even the past two weeks have been a journey of starting to understand the very specific communication and social interaction. I am learning to be much more fine-tuned  with what I say, how to break down language into the most basic steps, and talk more in the now - that means that it makes no sense to the boy if I tell him ‘later we will play but before that we have to eat our food’ such time-sequences are very hard for him to understand. 

I feel that facial expressions are also hard for him to read, he himself has a very flat affect, which means that I have to learn to communicate my emotions through ways other than facial expressions (and you all know that I am an open book when it comes to emotions, I always show how I feel). Finding ways to express pain - saying ‘aua’ when something hurts me or giving high 5’s when something is good might be a start. 

Another wish I have for myself is to be more conscious of what I am asking from the kids in general - is what I am asking the result of my adult thinking or am I taking into consideration where the child is at in terms of emotional and cognitive devvelopment? Am I making my logical steps clear to the child so that s*he understands? Is the child showing me that s*he understands what I am asking? And related, when does it make sense to be strict and set boundaries?

I have better understood that all kids test out boundaries, sometimes to the extreme, but that being bored also causes acting out. giving clear options and setting parameters for activities, I think, is worth much. 

Another (semi-related) reflection: 

On Wednesday we moved all the toys to the cellar. The day-care is catholic, and as part of lent we are replacing the toys with materials that can be turned into projects, toys, interesting other activities. The children think about what kind of activities they want to make. Think, for example, a telephone made from two empty yoghurt cups and a string. Or making Memory games and puzzles from self-drawn pictures. It is great to work together with a woman who has been doing this same job since the 80s and has much experience and insight. I think taking a step back from “traditional” methods of playing - and a step back from digital media, too, opens u pa whole new world of creativity and possibilities. 

Another train of thought…It is very strange to work at a catholic day-care. Especially during the prayer before lunch I feel strange, not sure what my role should be. I am, of course, a role-model for the children, and have to recognize that there are certain activities at the day-care that I might not support in my personal life, but that I have to give along to the children because  they go to this day-care. 

***

On to other exciting things that are happening:

I wrote in the last update that being in a relationship is hard. Fabi and I are doing SO much better! We are really trying to be more understanding of each other, trying to see what our needs are and how we can meet those needs in a way that feels fain and good to both of us. We had planned a date night a while back but had to constantly move it due to lack of energy/one of us being sick. Last weekend we finally had the energy and time to do what we had planned, something special to the both of us, something different, not“just” hanging out together. I think we really needed that. 

Things will continue to evolve for us, keep changing, keep growing. We’re still experimenting, evaluating what works and what doesn’t. 

My life is full of beautiful visitors! My cousin Jonathan came to visit me over the weekend. We hadn’t seen each other for quite some time, but it was such a pleasure with him. I think I inspired him to live in Berlin in the future (he’s 15), we had some honest-open conversations, went climbing, met up with Fabi and a few friends, had a game-night, ate cake with my uncle…all in all an amazing time! 

I also had a beer with Pia this week, babysat quite a bit, enjoyed the amazing weather, watched Gone Girl with Fabi (so, so, so disturbing!), found a guitar!!!! and maybe can purchase a charango (Andean ukulele, I had one in Bolivia but left it there). 

Now for the very important update:

After accepting the internship position in the fall, I also had a conversation with my advisor for classes. She informed me that the program does not officially start until the fall, but that I could apply for permission to start in the summer. I took some time to think through what that means for me. I have decided that it is best for me to stay in Berlin until the middle of August and start the Master in Social Work in the Fall with all other 5-year students. I have changed my flight and will return to Chicago on the 14th of August, for a year, after that who knows where life will take me.

I feel so full of joy knowing that I can stay here longer, actually settle in more, not leave again in 2.5 months, not spend the summer with little to do and too much time to think about wanting to be back in Berlin. All of you who have lived in different places…we all know that this isn’t a straight emotional line. I know that I will feel frustrated, ask myself why I am here, will wonder why I still feel so lost, yet feel heartbroken when it is time to leave. The think is…that I can only assess what I really feel at this moment, and at this moment I am so glad to be here. With all the ups and downs. With you all being far away. But the truth is that that will always be the case. Someone I deeply cherish and love will always be far away, no matter where I am. That is the harsh reality of growing and growing up in different places. I leave pieces of my heart everywhere I go. 

I now am on the way back to Berlin. Time in Osnabrück was an adventure but I am happy to return home…to Berlin.

Home is such a difficult concept. I still have not been able to grasp what it means to be at home, yet I long to find a home, knowing deep down that I will never only be at home in one place. 

Throughout the conversations of the past days and especially nights I realized something crucial about my relationship to the US, to Chicago, something that I could not name as clearly before. I better understand now that I felt out of place in Chicago because so many times I had to explain myself, justify my actions, and lay out why I do things differently. Even if I did this consciously, sometimes, by saying out-loud that I am German, and I did this partially to create a separation. Even when having to explain myself was not an ill-meant act, when others were curious about where I come from and what I have done, I only now understand that this prevented me from really settling in to the country. It is exhausting to constantly feel I had to explain who I am. And this starts with as simple of things as people not pronouncing my name right. This train of thought partially started because I realized that I would never walk around Chicago with pink hair. Because I would stick out even more, and potentially would have to explain myself again. I would feel that I don’t fit in more so than I already don’t. 

What do you all think about that? Am I overthinking this?

Seeing my aunt and uncles was great. As always we stayed up into the late hours of the night talking, drank lots of beer, and had some differences in opinions. I’m grateful to have such a kind, loving, caring family, I know that I am part of a tight network and I know that we will watch out for each other. I have missed that feeling of familial belonging beyond my amazing nuclear family of mom, dad, Jakob. I miss you three and Binti too, though. A lot. 

Reuniting with Freddy was much more emotional than I would have thought. Really, he is the first person from Bolivia that I have seen in the 4+ years since I have left (not counting the other volunteers). WE talked a lot, but very little about Bolivia, and mostly spent time decorating for his birthday party and enjoying each other’s presence. I think it meant much to him that I came. And it was good for me, too, to remember that not all Bolivian men are cruel. In fact, Freddy spent some time during his birthday party giving a sort-of speech, about how important it is that we let go of stereotypes, that we understand that there are no good/bad groups, but rather people that are good and have their heart in the right place, and people who don’t, who have forgotten how to love. But that these people exist in all countries, all cultures, all over the world. I think he is right with that, and we build separations thinking that we can protect ourselves against the other, when in fact we are the ones who create categorizations that produce the other. 

I also realized throughout the evening that house parties are exhausting. Creating conversations when you know no one is exhausting and finding new things to talk about is exhausting, and even though I had some intellectually challenging discussions that elevated my weekly quality of day-care-centered-talk I would have much rather spent the night dancing. Of course Freddy and I got to dance at the end of the night, one song, and promised that we would see each other again to dance some more :) 

***

Parts of a check-in with myself: 

What is good right now?

I love my work
Fabi and I are doing well and are content
my living situation is ‘genial’ - amazing 
I have had so many visitors!
I’m healthy
The weather is great (ok, now it’s snowing again. The weather was great)
I’m starting to get a sense of the Berlin geography
I am recognized for the things I do
I challenge my fear of heights every time I go climbing
I’m getting to know new people
I’m improving myself
I’m open for new things
I didn’t fall into my depression hole
I’m so incredibly supported by my family
I’m pushing my boundaries 
I’m staying in Berlin!!!

I’m doing such a great job at meeting the  challenges that come my way

What do I want to add?
Be more empathetic towards Fabi’s needs
Set goals at work
Work for Crisis Text Line again
Improve and expand my social circle
Be aware of how I’m feeling

Be kind to myself. 

What am I grateful for?

My family and the incredible time that I can spend with them at the moment, my uncles aunts, cousins, Oma…
This time in Berlin. So, so grateful for this time
My inner strength
Fabi
Life

Sending love to you all.