June 7th - Memories on a train ride

June 7th, 16:01, TGV Paris  Quimper
Moments:
I met a Homeland Security officer on the plane who had traveled all across the US and told me about all the cities he had visited and from where to where he had driven, and that he was always very scared of going up mountains. He was originally from France and we talked in French for a little bit He said that I would be fine in France and would be able to get by. That made me feel proud. He also asked me if I wanted to work with homeland security and I didn't know what to say.

The bus driver from the airport to Paris was very kind, very smiley.

I found a playground close to the train station where I took a little time to decide what to do with the hour that I had left until my train to Quimper left.

I walked around the Gare Montparnasse and found a cemetery and a little café. The waiter was also very nice and was singing as he brought out my café au crème. He waved me goodbye.

I couldn’t figure out where my train left because the train platforms are only announced 20 minutes before each train leaves. Very confusing. First challenge successfully figured out. There was a fascinating beauty in the turning of the letters on the black timetable, each little white letter changing like a leaf twisting and spinning in the wind.

I watched a family with two kids interact; they were sitting opposite of me on the train. The older brother, maybe two and a half, wiped the younger brother’s mouth, gentile, caressingly. The older brother also thought that the baguette with salami was a croissant at first, and next a sandwich with cheese.

June 6th - To Do List

June 6th 2017
NYC airport, 6:25pm
To do list for the next few weeks:
- Find peace in silence; stop replacing the absence of sounds with fillers and start listening to the present
- Find fulfillment in my own company; be conscious of feelings, thoughts, state of being. I will not run away from spending time on my own
- Find one beautiful thing a day and take conscious notice of it
- Be open to new experiences
- Find the sun
- Know that not everything will be perfect and that that is ok
- Know that I am not perfect and but can and will do my best and learn from past experiences
- Both the good and the bad moments are lessons
- It is ok to be lonely at times. That will be part of this adventure, too.
- Remember that I am loved – and find self love within this adventure
- Remember that I am doing this for myself; that this is a big step and I will grow as a result of pushing myself outside my comfort zone
- Remember that even if my greatest fear is to be lonely and cut off from others, and alone, the only way to overcome this fear is by putting myself on the edge of such a situation
- This is a part of transformation
- Remember that I am strong and I am ready for this
Challenges:
- Having limited resources
      - Connections to people
      - Ability to communicate
              - Possessions
- Not knowing at all what to expect
- Feeling out of place and lonely

I myself

My bags are packed

And I feel that I am taking 

way too much

When the most important item 

I am taking along on this journey

am I myself.

I will arrive and feel 

a bit lost

 and perhaps like I don't belong,

but I know more than anything that

even when I feel like I belong nowhere

I have the gift of finding a home 

everywhere.

Fear

June 4th 1:38 AM

Fear. 

Of the Unknown, of the dark  shadows underneath, 

those that might come up to the surface,

those that might take me in my sleep, 

those that lure behind corners and

wait for just the right time

to shake me up, make me loose my equilibrium.

Fear.

To fall and break my back,

to be too weak to get up again,

to lose my voice and have no strength

to call out and stand my ground,

to loose myself in the midst of too many

pieces that could be and become

me. 

Fear.

Of making mistakes and landing 

in a spiral of uncontrollable events

Fear of myself;

because maybe the shadows aren’t shadows after all,

but rather the projections of my mind,

the maybe’s and but’s and possibly’s.

The idea that there might be something there.

The idea that I might be weak.

That in the end the past is quicker than the future

and the memories darker than the light of the present.

Fear, 

that facing myself is the scariest thing I have done, 

Fear,

that even after facing myself part of myself will still be dead, 

Fear,

that the dark will always be pitch black,

Fear,

that I will remain inside the comfortable circle I have drawn

Fear,

that I will never know who I am.

On the Verge of Something New

In just a few days I will be on a plane off to a new adventure, on the way to a place I have never been before. Yes, this place is just hours away from my home country, but nevertheless the taste of the unknown tingles in the back of my throat, the adrenalin makes my stomach pull together and my intestines twist and turn once in a while. In a way this is like stage fright - the fear of being seen and heard by a mass of people that not only represents a judging eye, but also represents the self - after all, whom am I testing but myself? This trip is about the adventure, of course it is. Only recently I was told that I am an adrenalin junky because I seek out opportunities but I think that it's actually quite the opposite: I am scared as shit of new things and yet I push myself outside of my comfort zone because I know that outside of the comfortable lies much of what makes life worth living.

Going to France by myself to help out at a hostage/organic farm without knowing French or anyone in the area is very much outside of my comfort zone. But I'm ready for the adventure, I'm excited to expand muy horizon and become more rooted in who I am as a person.

Fight A Battle That is worth fighting - 1/10/2016

Today I stood across the street

As a young man,

Only a year younger

Than myself

Was dying,

Or had just died.

Today I stood, motionless, as the police brought

A sky-blue blanket to cover his body,

Or maybe it was the window,

One last bit of color,

for such a dreadfully colorless picture.

And I was oblivious to

What was happening,

Hoping,

That my initial thoughts

Of death

Were not true.

I consciously made the decision to push the

Images

Out of my mind and not let them penetrate

The outer shell of my pulled-together

Self.

As I watched the Other screaming, terrified, probably not understanding either what had just happened

Right in front of him,

I decided to look away

when I should have brought the eyes of the world to witness

This moment

When everyone should have witnessed the

Absolute horror

Of death on a rainy day,

In a rainy street,

In a cold car,

In the middle of the day,

In a way

That no one should die,

No one should fear of losing their life

Like this,

And no one should be taken, violently, from the face of this earth,

By a bullet so hard, cold,

Leaving not the blink of an eye for

Life.

Only later did it hit me, what actually happened,

And even later than that did the silence of

Those I was with smack me in the face.

Why did nobody scream?

Or whisper?

Acknowledge the gross reality of what we had

Just become a

Part

Of, as standby strangers passing by

Just shadows at the very edge of

Existence.

But we saw, and we heard. We felt.

I felt.

However delayed, I felt.

I feel. I feel pain and I feel tears of disbelief.

So, did my fellow passersby push away

Their feelings like I did?

Or did they not care?

I do not know.

But I know that every death, every injury, every tear, every cry and every whisper,

Yes, even every laugh deserves attention, acknowledgement,

A communal respect, for these signs of life,

Because in some grotesque ways, does not death also show

Life?                                                  

It shows, possibly, the lack of life,

The leaving of life, and

Accentuate that what was before.

Now I cringe at the sound of sirens that

Pinch my heart with their high-pitched wails of sadness.

I no longer want to be afraid of walking the streets.

I do not want my loved ones to fear for me,

As I try and help the community with

The little time I want to offer up.

Not only I, but nobody should have such fears.

He had a whole life ahead of him,

And unlike me,

He was not given the chance to live and

Make the most of every precious moment.

So I plead:

Choose a battle and fight it well,

Fight it to grow and make the world a better place.

Fight not with guns, but with words of kindness, of encouragement,

And of understanding.

Fight a battle of love,

Not trying to show your power and domination with your body,

But rather teaching others to see their own strengths.

Please. Let us start to make this world better piece by piece, heart by heart,

For those who we lost, and those who we could have lost, but most of all for all those

Who we might lose in the future,

And last,

For ourselves. 

So, tell me.
Is it right for me to stand up for myself?
Should I feel proud?
Or should I crumble beneath my disrespectful attitude,
robbing myself of the inner voice that whispered that YOU had no right
to treat me like a toy,
without feelings.

Tell me.
Am I overreacting?
Well, I should have protected my feelings.
But how was I to know that you interest in me
was so incredibly superficial,
so grossly simplistic.
Just that one dance, just that one kiss.
I should have known,
shouldn't have gotten carried away
by the happiness of the moment, thinking that maybe
you actually thought more of me than just the moment.
That maybe you would like to see me again

Of course, I forgot.
That's not how it works, is it?
Why would you play the conquistador
and secretly care?
Deep down, I knew. But I thought I didn't care.
I fooled myself, in the end.
Of course I cared. I  still do.
I feel my inner senses longing for you,
looking for you in the crowd.

As if I could change what I said.
As if you would change your attitude,
 after what I threw at you with dirty words,
When not even before you cared.

NO.
My strategy is wrong!
I am proud that I called you out for being an asshole and playing with me.
I don't care if that's your culture. I felt violated.
And I had the right to tell you.
Even if I felt shitty after.
Now I know. To express my anger in a nicer way.

Truth is, I only want to apologize because I think it will give me a chance,
that maybe he will then see me.
That's not what I want.
I don't want to compromise my self and my feelings because of a guy who doesn't even have the decency to value me in the first place.